The skinny

After 5+ weeks of our baby being in the neonatal intensive care unit, we are going to be bringing him home. He has removed his feeding tube on his own, his oxygen monitor has been off, and he passed his car seat test with flying colors. Last night, we watched a video on CPR and did one last unofficial test: we got to spend the night with him.

It's like a "test run" (only, you can't really change your mind at this point). The hospital has two family suites where a couple can stay with their baby and still have access to the medical staff, should any needs arise. It was funny to see him not hooked up to anything at all-- just a real, living, naked baby (who still looks more like a cross between my Grandpa Stu and my friend Yukie than he does either of us). We brought an inflatable mattress and pitched camp.

It was horrible. What an unfair introduction to all this. Soren was so gassy and crampy and just fussed through the whole night. None of us slept. He is usually such a gentle baby and not at all a whiner, that this really caught us off guard. Of course, he was kind of thrown into a strange situation: it was his first night in darkness, after being used to sleeping under fluorescent lights . All of us tend to have funny dreams or restless sleep when we stay in someplace new, so i'm sure he was a little panicky. Plus, in a world of pain. He just kept getting cramps and gas pain, and it would really get to him.

So we're not totally shining new parents today. We both sort of considered asking for a refund, but i think we'll keep him after all. Even after not sleeping, he still looked pretty cute this morning, and i bet he was as frustrated as we were. Word is that the first 6 weeks are the toughest, which for us will be the first 12 weeks. We've still got a ways to go, but i guess it'll be a little bit more on our turf at this point.

When i read Anne Lamot's Operating Instructions, I just thought that she was being dramatic. Apparently not...? But, i guess like anything challenging in life, it seems impossible until you vow to just do it. And then it's done. Like one of my friends said, At the end of the day, having more to do just means that more will get done. I am already known to many as an overachiever, so I suppose that this will be a whole new level of overachievement. It's like learning to ride a bike as you're racing down a steep hill. You just do it because it has to be done.

We get to take him home this Monday morning, June 30, which is 18 days before he was "supposed" to be born. We are under Ina May Gaskin's house arrest, and are not advised to take him anywhere, really, for awhile. It's thought of as a baby's 4th Trimester. However, we're going to break the rules just slightly in order for him to meet all his aunts and uncles at work, while he's simply having a wonderful baby shower.

The Final Countdown

We can feel the end approaching. Soren is making leaps and bounds, feeding pretty regularly. They are no longer monitoring his oxygen saturation (!) so that he is feeding unassisted, finally. He is still having to finish off these bottle/breast feedings with a tube... but just barely.

It makes us very feel very excited, satisfied, nervous, and joyful. A colleague of Lisa said that people told her how difficult having a child would be, but that no one mentioned how much joy she would experience. I would amend that somewhat, and say that no one mentioned how emotional and exhausting it is to have a premature baby. Two of my friends had premature twins, and i have no idea how they braved that storm.

We will be glad to welcome Soren home. It feels like time to start losing sleep.

one month old!

Ch-ch-ch-changes

Our sweet little premie is now nearly 6 pounds. He's becoming a real person! He's still small enough to balance on one arm, but big enough to hold and flop around without feeling like he's going to break in half. This makes cuddling a lot more fun.

(Speaking of, cuddling is peculiar. Whenever Lisa or i hold Soren skin-to-skin, it's like a drug. We start to fall asleep in a hurry. Any insomniacs who want to hold a munchkin, you let us know.)

People have been asking us when he is coming home. Contrary to popular opinion, weight doesn't even factor in. Instead, he'll leave the NICU once he proves that he can master the suck-swallow reflex. Right now, when it's time to feed, he gets really excited and eats so fast that he forgets to breathe. If i saw an adult do this, it would make me snicker pretty uncontrollably; since it's a tiny baby, though, it's really adorable.

We have talked about snatching him late at night when no one is looking. But nurses make sure that babies are pretty filch-proof.


One of my uncles told me that we are in the eye of the storm. Having a premie is a whole different beast, and i am so grateful for my friends (like Joel and Jenni) who have been through the same experience. It is so unlike what we were preparing for, and the experience itself is so emotional and exhausting that it leaves us both frayed. People laugh when i say this, but i feel like i'm visiting a loved one in jail. Everytime we come in to see our son, we have to park in a garage, be buzzed through a door, wash hands for 30 seconds, sign in, and sanitize hands before even touching him. I am grateful for the great nurses and facilities; however, we'll be so grateful to just have him in our quiet and dark house after all of this.

I can't stress, again, how grateful we are for all the presents, cards, emails, and phone calls we've had from people. We feel completely guilty that we have not had time to respond to them yet, but we will (now that school is out). I have been so busy that i've started to cut sleep out of my daily routine, which just leads to grumpiness. We've both been tired, snappy, and cranky; but we are so grateful for all the prayers, thoughts, and well wishes. And once we get some semblance of order back, we hope to tell you this in actual written/spoken words.

* * *

...He's doing better. All day long people were all smiles, huge grins telling me not to worry and that he'd be fine. Okay: I do believe he'll be fine, and i appreciate the votes of confidence, but i realized that sometimes I'd rather have someone actually slow down, look at you and say, "Yeah. It's scary. I know what it feels like."

Lisa told me that he looks much better. I can't wait to see him tomorrow.

Complication

Our weekend has been dominated by concern for our little guy. For reasons that the UC staff isn't totally able to pinpoint, Soren has been having a hard time. His breathing is much quicker than it usually is, his oxygen level was lower, and his heartrate was a bit faster, too. On top of that (but perhaps unrelated), his jaundice is climbing. Lisa and i picked up on something being a little bit off on Friday, since he was squirmy and just feeling..."off," but it took a day and a half for Super-Casual Resident to actually believe Lisa (after 2 nurses told her that she might want to listen to the mom). I find it hard to take someone seriously who says things like "...if he starts acting silly" instead of "...if he starts looking sick." Silly? Are we in Monty Python?

It's been a bit nerve-wracking watching him struggle. We had an ordeal today where the doctor finally ordered a blood transfusion. After it was ordered, the nursing staff had to draw blood at least 4 times, and he screamed through it all, since he was losing blood when he would have rather had more. The reinforcement blood finally arrived... SEVEN hours later. From a lab downstairs! They messed up his blood type and caught their error four hours into the process. Now, i'm not one to throw stones, but.... seriously guys. What if his life had been in danger?

Lisa didn't feel good leaving him until he looked better tonight, and mercifully he did, even before the transfusion. He doesn't have an infection, and he doesn't have any serious stomach problems. So, it's not The Worst, at least. But they still don't quite know what's going on.

All in all, we are still feeling pretty fortunate. Lisa's colleagues all covered for her so that she could drop an entire day of school to spend nearly 12 hours at this hospital. I was able to be there for 9, and the nursing staff has been unbelievably kind and personable, and COMPETENT! They call us when things look iffy, and they all go out of their way to check on Soren (even when they are assigned to other babies). We have been getting packages from friends and family near and far, and had a great baby shower, and even got a handmade baby blanket from Lisa's mom (who is preemptively filching the title of "Grammi").

We're continuing to pull for our little fighter.

baby stuff....

Several of you have asked us what we still need for Soren. Our family, friends, and church families have been so generous giving us beautiful clothes and baby gear. There are still a few things we could use for our baby. Most are on our Babies R Us and Target registries.

Things that aren't on a registry...
We can't wait to keep Soren close to us after these long weeks of separation, and have heard that the Ergo carrier is one of the most comfortable carriers for both baby and parent. Our favorite is the Camel color.
www.ergobabycarriers.com/babycarriers/category/carrier/

We could use a few simple wooden and/or cloth toys for when he's a little older.

We're still working to build a great collection of books for Soren. If you have any old favorite books from your childhood, we'd love to share them with him! Both of us agree that used books are at least as good (if not better) than new, and can't imagine why a baby would disagree...

More than all of the gear, though, we could use your continued prayers, encouragement, and understanding when we don't write or call back as quickly as we used to... The continuous support you have all offered us throughout our pregnancy and now through this difficult time of being separated from our son has been such a gift and a blessing to both of us.